i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
