I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
