Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
