Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I blew a .224 after sleeping for 6 hrs, cleary im a champion
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
you didnt know i had herpes?
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
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