This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
