Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
