Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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