Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
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