wanna go halves on a baby?
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
He blacked out at the first bar and passed out at the second...we just carried him to bar three and four and sat him in the lounge chairs, he said we're amazing
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
