Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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