i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
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