guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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