Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I'm not sure what step "make amends" is, but my phone is on
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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