This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
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I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
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I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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