my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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