remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Randomize
