If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
