guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Saw the same Luigi I hooked up with last Halloween. Still in his same Luigi costume and scruff that hurt my face
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
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