My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
