had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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