dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
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