All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
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