why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize
