I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
I know you hold the fastest time for "zoo downhill wheelchair racing" but I don't see what that has to do with this.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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