Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
My vagina cried when he left. I think she's about to be at war with my self respect.
Randomize
