my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
