I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
I still count it as showing your tits. Even though the wall was the only one who saw anything. Your boyfriend was pissed.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
