i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
