I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
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