Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
