please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
