New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Randomize
