True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
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