apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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