mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Randomize
