and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
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