im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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