A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
