I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
