im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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