you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
The Internet Is Obsessed With This Stripper Who Dropped It Low Just To Eat A Slice Of Pizza
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME