Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
this will be a night to untag.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?