I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
