Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
the threesome consisted of him fingering dana while i laid next to them watching how i met your mother.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
