I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
