Only a mothe r could love this liver
He just said "I made some changes in my life. The male g-spot is in the rectum and I wanted to explore that."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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