you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
