i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Randomize
