I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
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