do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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