i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
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