Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
I hope im prettier
yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
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