I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
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yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
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Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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