can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
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Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
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How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
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