It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
bio was interesting today. swabbed my mouth to see what the cells where, ha. found a sperm cell. he was just that awesome
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
