take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
