Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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