were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
