So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
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