Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Having never done that before, When should one expect the horrible shame to end? Days, months, ever?
A week or so, depending on size. In your case, maybe give it a month.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
