i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
My legs feel like baby dolphins
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
